Bringing Your Whole Self Home: LGBTQIA+ Holiday Tips
- Bright Light Counseling Center
- Dec 22
- 4 min read
The winter holidays are here. Maybe you're thinking about bringing your partner home for the first time. Maybe you're navigating family gatherings while not being out. Or maybe you're trying to figure out how to handle the misgendering that happens every year.
These situations are tricky. They require strategy, boundaries, and sometimes a lot of patience with yourself. Let's talk through it.
When you're not out to your family
Not being out doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. You get to decide who knows what about you, and when. Your safety and wellbeing come first.
Before the visit:
Decide what feels manageable. Can you handle questions about dating? About your appearance? About your future plans?
Have deflection responses ready. "I'm focusing on work right now" or "I'm not really dating anyone seriously" can buy you space.
Connect with your support system. Make sure you have people you can text or call who know the real you.
During the visit:
It's okay to feel like you're code-switching or performing. That's exhausting, and it's real.
Take breaks to check in with yourself. Step outside. Text a friend. Remind yourself this is temporary.
If questions get too personal, redirect. "I'd rather not talk about that. How's your new job going?"
Managing the emotional toll: Going back in the closet - even temporarily - can feel like you're betraying yourself. You're not. You're surviving. There's a difference between hiding who you are because you're ashamed and protecting yourself in an unsafe environment.
When you're bringing your partner home
This can be nerve-wracking, especially if it's the first time or if your family has been less than welcoming in the past.
Talk with your partner beforehand:
What are they comfortable with? Holding hands? Terms of endearment? Sharing a room?
What's your plan if someone is disrespectful? Will you address it in the moment or wait until later?
Establish a check-in system. A squeeze of the hand that means "I need support" or a code word that means "let's leave."
Set expectations with family: You can do this before you arrive. A text or call that says, "I'm bringing my partner. I expect them to be treated with respect" can set the tone.
If family pushes back or makes it weird, you get to decide how to respond. Sometimes that's a conversation. Sometimes it's choosing not to attend.
During the visit:
You don't have to educate anyone who doesn't want to learn. If Aunt Linda keeps asking invasive questions about your relationship, you can say, "That's personal" and move on.
Support your partner. Check in with them. Make sure they feel okay. Be ready to leave if needed.
Celebrate small wins. If your mom uses the right pronouns for your partner, that's progress. If she doesn't, you can address it privately later.
Handling misgendering and deadnaming
This hurts. Every time. Even when it's "accidental," it still stings.
Decide your approach:
Will you correct people every time? Only sometimes? Not at all during this visit?
There's no right answer. It depends on your energy, the situation, and what feels safest.
Correction scripts:
Simple: "It's [correct name/pronoun]."
Firm: "I've asked you to use [name/pronoun]. Please respect that."
With a boundary: "If you can't use my correct name, I'm going to step away."
When family says "it's hard for me": You can acknowledge their feelings without accepting disrespect. "I understand it's an adjustment. I need you to keep trying."
You're not responsible for making this easy for them. They're responsible for treating you with respect.
If they refuse: You don't have to stay. Protecting yourself isn't rude. It's necessary.
After the visit: However it went, take time to process.
Reconnect with yourself:
Journal about what came up for you
Spend time with people who affirm your identity
Do something that makes you feel like yourself again
Reflect on what worked:
Did correcting misgendering feel empowering or draining?
Was bringing your partner worth it, or would you do it differently next time?
What boundaries do you need to set for next year?
Be gentle with yourself: If you went back in the closet to stay safe, that's okay. If you left early, that's okay. If you stayed longer than you should have, that's okay too. You're learning. You're figuring it out.
Chosen family matters just as much
If biological family isn't safe or supportive, your chosen family is where you find home. That's valid. That's real.
This season, consider:
Hosting or attending a Chosen Family gathering
Starting new traditions that feel affirming and joyful
Letting go of the idea that family gatherings "should" look a certain way
Your people are the ones who see you, celebrate you, and make space for all of who you are. That's what matters.
You deserve to be celebrated
The holidays can be hard when your family doesn't fully see you or accept you. But you're not alone in this.
You deserve to exist fully. You deserve relationships that honor who you are. And you deserve holidays that feel joyful instead of just survivable.
If you need support, reach out:
If you're in crisis or need support, these resources are here for you 24/7:
The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386
Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860
The LGBT National Hotline: (888) 843-4564
The LGBT National Youth Talkline (ages 25 and under): (800) 246-7743
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
For youth experiencing homelessness or family conflict:
The National Runaway Safeline: 800-RUNAWAY (800-786-2929)
True Colors United: (212) 461-4401
This season, however you choose to navigate it, you're doing your best. And that's enough.
Disclaimer
Our content is on and related to the topic of mental health. The content is general information that may or may not apply to you. The content is not a substitute for professional services. This website does not contain professional advice, nor is any professional-client relationship established with you through your use of this website.
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